Instability.

Hi.

So recently if you have noticed [maybe not] that I’ve not posted anything for almost the past two months mainly because things went crazy busy in school and in work, so I’d have to set aside some things and get straight to my priorities.

Well, those two months were a whirlwind of emotions and a wild surge of events. Extremely difficult exams, paperworks, legworks and even my laptop got all messed up and I had “grade anxieties” and I felt really sad and really crappy about myself all the more. I try to insert fun in any way possible [if given the chance] because I know that I’d probably break down and be shattered to pieces without “a little help from my friends”.

Those two months felt like forever. I realized that I’ve been waking up struggling to get past and survive the turmoil that each brand new day brings in, struggling to see the good and inspiring in things. I’ve been trying to resort to different things to get my mind off my worries and frustrations, but trying to shy away from all the dilemma just holds me back.

Fortunately, at the time of writing, I’m spending my summer vacation in my house, trying to figure things out and get things straight. I know I have plans this summer and I really want to push to make it worthwhile.

Apparently, I’ll be turning 18 in a few month’s time and I’d like to start fresh, I’d like to start anew, I’d like to view life in a more mature manner, I’d like to take on the adult life in an organized and planned out way. I know this is very control freak of me, but I’d admit that I like things under my control. 4 months with nothing to do is really a great time to reevaluate myself, get fit, learn new things, explore different places, have new relationships and wider connections, and do things that can most likely prep me up for adulthood. I may be taking adulthood way too seriously, but I know that I am investing this for my future.

(If any of my friends would be reading this)

I would like to apologize in advance if I will seclude myself away from y’all, because I feel that being alone is easier. Not spending quality time with you guys this summer makes me feel unbothered. It’s not that I don’t like to hang out or that I hate any one of you,  it’s just that I just want some peace and quiet as I’m trying to figure out how will I realign myself, how will I reconfigure the way I live, the way I do things, and the way I tackle different circumstances.

The friends part—- damn, this is heavy. I feel so frustrated. I feel that there is no one to hold on to. Compared to other people, I have no permanent, “mainstay” friends. That’s how life works, people come and go, new ones arrive, old ones depart, but it just sucks. I’d have to admit I’m defamiliarizing and detaching myself from my friends and to the few persons I totally care and totally love, because I doubt if they really like being with me, I want to know if they will care if I suddenly disappear, I’d like to know if I really matter, because feeling insecure is what I’m constantly going through. My family makes me feel secure, that is a matter of fact, but it’s just not enough. They’ll always be there, but what if they aren’t? What if I’ll end up all alone, desolate and ill? Well, anxieties are really eating me right now.

Like everything else I have written here in my small share of the cyberspace, I am really sorry if they are just senseless banter.

Thank you for putting up with my blog and the way I write the things in it.

P.S. If you, yes you, could read this, I miss you, way too much that it is indescribable. I cannot say this to you straight up because you’re a fear to what my words could manage. Inasmuch as I wouldn’t want to lose you and the friendship we’ve had, I couldn’t help but “Let It Go”, because it’s just hopeless. I wouldn’t want to be near you at the moment, because I will just feel a whole lot more unloved. All I ever wanted was to feel secure with you, and I’ve accepted the fact that that will never happen. I’ll never be in your arms’ embrace, I’ll never be the girl that you will cherish, I’ll never be the girl that you will find as good enough. I know with you, there’s no chance that what I feel can possibly be reciprocated. I hope you’re happy now, and maybe at some point in the future we’ll see each other, without feeling the same way ever again.

On to the next one,

Marla.

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Author: marlapapas

The girl your mother warned you about.

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