Personals

The Laments of the Filler Girl Friend

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They say that what separates “Girlfriend” between “Girl Friend” is the space between those two words.

And that space is what is called the friend zone.

A void so hard to fill in, sometimes you’ll just have to give up [and go on].

I’ve honestly been a filler girl friend since time immemorial. I’ve liked [and loved] guys that are actually in a relationship with other girls, and while those girls aren’t around, I’m always more than willing to take their place.

Being a filler girl friend is actually fun, because you get to fill in the shoes of a girl that’s temporarily unavailable, and you get to enjoy spending time with the guy you actually like [or love]. You get your fair share of those spontaneous, romantic, mushy, and intimate moments with the guy, well to put it simply— You can actually act like or play the role of the legit girlfriend.

But those perks are nothing compared to the disadvantages that come along with being just the substitute, with being just the “filler”.

Within all those “it-feels-like-you’re-a-legit-couple” moments, at the back of his mind, he thinks of the girlfriend.

Within all those wacky pictures, weird faces and feeling really comfy and open to each other, he feels that he should be doing these things with the girlfriend.

If you do casual sex or share touchy-touchy moments with him [or as for me is not applicable, but if you guys are a bit intimate], in his mind, how’d he wish he was doing those kinds of deeds with the girlfriend.

His heart, mind and soul wishes that he was actually spending time with his girlfriend and NOT YOU.

No matter how important you think you are to him, no matter how much you think he cares about you,  YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND.

And for that matter, chances are, YOU NEVER WILL BE.

You’d be stuck in that void that you keep on filling for as long as he longs for the full-time presence of his girlfriend.

You’ll remain competing both with yourself and with her presence that is stuck inside the guy’s mind.

At the end of the “filling” or “substituting” encounters, you will feel empty, really empty. Empty to the point that you would want others to fill a void in you. And that’s wrong.

But you keep on going, you still got the job of being the filler girl friend…. and the lamentations continue. But you like it right?

By this point as you read this, I know that in your mind you’re thinking, “Preach b*tch, preach!”, or, “Damn, this girl needs to wake the f*ck up!”

Honestly, yeah. I think I probably do.

[Disclaimer: As I continue on writing this post, I am groping for words. I cannot articulate my feelings on this thing very well, and I have to be very careful with my word choices. But if I do make mistakes, sorry, but I kid you not, I am trying my very best.]

As I’ve said earlier, I’ve been a filler girl friend ever since. I give him expert advice on how to handle his relationship issues with the girl that I’m actually substituting for. When he talks very fondly about her, I nod in full agreement to everything that he says, wary that he might think I’m jealous— and I actually am. I shrug when I see photos of them together or even just at the thought of them together. I also tend to compliment their sweet nothings, couple achievements, and the dreams and aspirations they make together, only to feel really miserable about myself when I think of it for a single bit.

I think it’s the sadist in me that drives me to continue being a filler girl friend.

I think it’s the cynic-optimist in me that pushes me to feel that the guy can actually give “us” a shot.

But this sh*t’s gotta stop.

It might take a while for a filler girl friend like me to stop whatever this is that I’m pursuing, but it I do know that stopping this will be worth it.

Once I’ve come to terms with this issue, I know I’m readying myself for a guy who can actually make me his legitimate girlfriend.

I know that I will soon stop filling voids and really establish a strong, full-time connection with someone, a person that I can actually, possibly and eventually be married to.

I know that stopping this filler girl friend thing will make me more mature, will give me a new outlook on relationships.

Detaching myself from my filler girl friend duties might take a long haul, really, but to whoever you are that knows me or whoever you are that knows someone like me , please be patient. We’re trying our best to get over this, and we’re a constant work in progress, just as everyone else is. For filler girl friends like us, everyday is a constant battle between picking up or hanging up on the guy, and we’ve already set our personal milestones– milestones that help us break free from the guy, realizations that help us move forward.

It may be a really dumb move for us to actually take too long to overcome these kind of things, things that you may view as really shallow and as nonsense bullsh*t, but please understand that we have a hard time breaking free from our feelings.

But one thing’s for sure, once we emerge victorious from this battle, we are our best selves– because we’ve finally learned a lot of things along the way.

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