I once wrote, “I’m getting there, but I’m not pretty sure how I did.”
Now I’m here, I am held back.
A constant struggle between letting you go or making you stay haunts me.
If I don’t distance myself away from you, it will be as if I’m killing myself every single day.
If I let you go, I guess, it will be a true manifestation of love, one that is not self-centered.
Frustrating, I know.
All my life, I have loved really, really hard, looking for some place where my restless heart can rest.
“But you’re so young,” they said. Young to be hurt this much? Young to love this much?
Loving is timeless, and the youth they’ve been referring to has been rid off of me.
Why choose to love now? Why choose the ‘meantime’ kind of love when you can wait for the best?
I believe that there’s no such thing as a ready-made best.
I believe that everything is a work in progress.
And love, for the matter, is, too.
I’ve seen you deprived of the love you have always longed for, the love you really deserved.
Now that you’ve found it, I think I should just be happy, and let things flow as normal as they used to.
The longing remains, yes, but I have better things to do than hurt myself in a constant, agonizing cycle of running back and turning away from you.
It’s been a year since I told myself that I’ve somewhat ‘recovered’ from falling in love so hard with someone who didn’t take me seriously.
I didn’t expect that after recovery, I’d be tangled in a same situation (but with a better man) all over again.
I’ve been attached to you, your friends, your quirks, your pains.
I cannot afford to lose anyone at the expense of anything.
But a thing such as ‘fairness’ exists, and that entails me to accept that I’d have to lose something at the expense of something.
But ironically, it’s not fair at all.
In the process, I lost you (perhaps to another woman, one who’s better, as always, as I am an ever-insufficient kind).
I could lose your friends, persons I held so dear, persons whose company I will constantly long for.
When I knew of this, I didn’t really know what to say or feel. I didn’t cry happy or sad tears even though I push myself to do so.
God knows that he has given everything I asked for, and I thank Him for letting me win at life at some sort.
But, due to fairness, I cannot win everything. And as I’ve said, I lost a prize, the coveted prize that is to be with you.
To be able to say all these things is strenuous, as I find it really hard to put my feelings into words.
It is also evident that it lacks cohesion, as I cannot really pull myself together at the moment.
These words are not enough, when will they ever be?
At least I tried. Feeling this, writing this, and loving you. It was a great experience.
Do know that once I’ve adjusted, I will slowly drift away from you, so as not to let my feelings get in the way with our already ‘jinxed’ friendship.
I don’t want to shut you out and push you away, just as I did to countless other people for some reasons only I can understand.
There is a fine line between everything, and I’ll try balancing my act from there.
Do know that even with this, I’ll still be around just in case you’ll need me. I’m still your friend, just sans the feelings.
I still hold on to the promise of the future, a future where we are free of all these chains, of all these excess things we didn’t sign up for.
Our paths will cross again, not now, but probably. Maybe by that time we can work things out, and I promise you I will be sufficient this time.
For know though, I would have to say goodbye. Goodbye to all those emotions that messed all things up.
I’ll be leaving you with this.
What we could’ve had wasn’t supposed to be jinxed like this.