Personals

Marahas ang Maynila sa’yo, Mahal.

Marahas ang Maynila sa’yo, Mahal. 

Doon kay Maynila, lahat ay nakikipagsapalaran, lahat ay may kanya-kanyang pinagkakaabalahan. Bawat tao’y may sariling interes, at bawat tao’y mistula bang nagmamadali.

Lumaki tayo malapit kay Maynila. Kamakailan lang nang nakita natin ang isa’t-isa na hinahasa ang ating mga sarili para suungin ang pagsubok ng tinatawag nilang “real world.” Hindi kalaunan, sumabak na tayo sa malaking mundo ng urbanidad, sa malaking mundo na tila ba walang puwang para sa tulad nating mga bagong salta, tayong mga sanay sa kalinga ng maliit nating mga probinsya. Si Maynila ang naging daan natin tungo sa mga ito.

Labag man sa ating kalooban, bawat araw pipilitin nating harapin si Maynila. Pipiliting puntahan kahit ayaw, pipiliting paghandaan bawat araw. Gigising tayo na tila ba mga robot na may sinusunod na mekanismo. Pagsapit ng dilim, uuwi tayong pagod na pagod, at mabubuhay na lamang na hinihintay kung kailan magiging maamo sa atin ang marahas na si Maynila.

Subalit, kahit ganito si Maynila sa ating dalawa, may utang na loob ako sa kanya. 

Kung hindi dahil kay Maynila, hindi kita makikilala.

Kung hindi dahil kay Maynila, malamang ay hindi magku-krus ang landas nating dalawa.

Kung hindi dahil kay Maynila, hindi natin maihahanda ang ating mga sarili sa mga pagsubok na balak dalhin ng buhay.

At higit sa lahat, kung hindi dahil kay Maynila, wala tayong pagkakataong magkasama.

Hindi maipagkakaila ang dinulot ni Maynila sa kwento nating dalawa. Si Maynila rin kaya ang magiging panira ng istorya? 

Nakikita ka ni Maynila na nag-iisa. Ganun din naman ako. Alam ni Maynila na parehas tayong nahihirapan, pero pinipilit nating maging matatag. Bagamat mga dayo lamang, pursigido tayong maging matagumpay sa buhay. Maraming kilalang ganito si Maynila, pero wala siyang pinipili.

Marahas si Maynila sa lahat. Lalung-lalo na sa’yo, Mahal. 

Ilang beses ka na niyang pinagod, pinaasa, pinahirapan. Bumabangon ka araw-araw para harapin siya, umaasang gaganda ang trato niya sa’yo, subalit hindi siya marunong magpahalaga. Handang-handa kang manatili kasama siya, pero tila ba mas lalo siyang naging mailap sa’yo.

Minahal mo si Maynila, Mahal. Kailan kaya ako? 

Personals

To The One Who (Really) Got Away

Dear You,

Ours was a different kind of love.

We, polar opposites, started out as unlikely friends with unclear intentions and different hopes and dreams.

Polar opposites that seemed to attract in a way even reason will find hard to justify.

You were the type who’ll choose to stay inside your room and play the games you’ve always enjoyed, while I was the type who’ll prioritize work more than anything else when I’m not idle.

You were the type who’ll choose to listen to all my endless blabber and chit-chat and I was the girl who was not used to a man who listened intently like you did.

You were the guy who was not driven enough because you felt out of place. I was the girl who’ll do anything to get to where I want.

Despite all this, you were the guy that I imagined a future with.

To be the man I’ll be with for the rest of my life, the type who will stick to me when things get rough.

The man I want to wake up to each morning, the man I’ll care for when we both age.

The man who’ll teach my kids to ride a bike, the man who’ll fix the faucet when it breaks.

The man who’ll give way for me when we’d argue, the man that I’ll trust.

You may not know it, but yes, you were the unlikely man of my dreams.

With you I felt safe and secure, with you I felt cared for.

You were the only one who didn’t made me feel like I was taken for granted.

Unfortunately, for the unlikeliest of reasons, I chose to pull away.

I chose to leave without saying a word because I felt scared.

I felt scared that you would change, that I will run out of things to say.

I felt scared that I will not be able to entertain you anymore.

I felt scared that maybe a time will come when I’ll forget that you’re with me because I chose other things over you.

I felt scared that our attraction to each other will die out like the spark that led us to where we got.

All of what we had was uncertain.

I took cues but I didn’t want to misinterpret them.

I didn’t want to assume that you liked me, because I was scared to lose you the same way other men in my life before did because of all these “presuppositions.”

I chose to wait for you to tell me straight up what you felt for me.

But, I got too overwhelmed. After the time that we had, we drifted apart, each clinging to our own interests and goals.

I let everything slip away because I was too afraid to hurt you.

I knew that hurting someone as fragile and important as you was not something I nor anyone is entitled to do.

I was not in a position to hurt anyone’s feelings just because I was unsure of my own.

I wanted us to end in good terms.

It took me a while to realize that you were the one who really got away.

A lot of people wondered what happened to us, intrigued about why we choose to leave our story unfinished.

Maybe we’re destined to not finish our story anytime soon. Maybe at some point in our lives, we will. And I’ll live for that.

I’ll live for the day we’ll bump into each other and rekindle the spark that we’ve left at a locked chamber within the both of us.

I’ll live for the day we’re the right people for each other, filled with self-love we’ll be willing to share intimately.

I’ll live for the day we’re both mature enough to come to terms with what we both feel.

I’ll live for the day I’ll love you with my all, the day I’ll be certain I won’t let you get away no more.

I guess we shall leave and live our story just like this.

Love like ours for the second time will be a different kind once more.

Do know that I will be waiting.

Yours and yours always,
I.

Personals

An Open Letter To The Girl He’s Seeing Now

Hi!

It’s been a while since we last talked.

I knew you personally, and I even grew to like you a lot because I know you’re a really nice person.

But let’s cut to the chase.

I apologize for trying to steal him right in front of you.


I didn’t know you were seeing each other. I liked his company, and I guess he liked it back, maybe that’s why he kept me around.

I only knew you were seeing him by a chain of events:

First, when a little bird told me that he was seeing someone (at first I didn’t suspect it was you).

Second, when I did some sleuthing and cross-checked the evidences (yes, I did that using my skills as a special reports writer).

Third, when I finally confirmed it on a drunk, humid night with my friends. I really didn’t know about it. I swear to the very last drop of my blood.

When he forcibly asked me who was the guy I was writing about (which was obviously him), at first I didn’t want to tell it right away, because he didn’t tell me that he was seeing you.

It wasn’t fair that I spill the beans first.

Then he asked if I wanted to know who you were. I was really angry then, but I don’t know if I’m angry at you or at him, and also, I was really scared to hear your name because a lot of things will change.

I will never be able to look at you the same way again.

I will never be able to look you in the eye out of extreme, heavy guilt.

I can never even mention your name out of pure shame.

For this I apologize.

I apologize for flirting with him right in front of you.

I apologize for forcing him to have lunch with me instead of having lunch with you.

I apologize if I asked him out on a movie night only to flirt with him a lot and have him to myself.

I apologize for all the times that I hugged him and held his hands.

I apologize for writing about him so much.

I apologize for taking too much of the time he should’ve been spending with you.

I apologize for being a home-wrecker.

I apologize for being the bitch I promised myself I’ll never be.

But, do know that I was completely uninformed.

I am deeply hurt not because he turned me down because of you.

I am deeply hurt because a huge chunk of my ego was stepped on.

I will never know how you will view me as a person after the wrong things I’ve done to you.

I can never have the opportunity to personally apologize but do know that I am writing this sincerely, hoping that you would be able to read this and hear my side of the story (as he had probably told you his side of it).

But I’ll leave you with some unsolicited advice.

Don’t take care of him more than how you take care of yourself.

Don’t make him your world (he doesn’t even look like Earth, sorry).

He’s not really worth it (as I once thought he was).

And, leave some love for yourself.

He is his own set of insatiate insecurities he fears to address.

He’s been a loser. He won you over (and a handful of people), but there’s a void in him only he can fill.

And he’s yet to do that.

But again, I’m really sorry. I should’ve stayed in my lane.

Do know that I hope you guys are happy. If you guys work out in the long haul, I’ll personally congratulate you. But if things don’t, you can thank me later (and comfort food’s on me).

Sincerely,

The Innocent Home-Wrecker

Literary

Ako Nalang

Ako ang nagsimula,
Ako na rin siguro ang tatapos.

Wala kang kasalanan,
Pero mayroon kang kinalaman.

Hindi ito maitatanggi,
O maikukubli.

May mga pagmamahal na buo,
Pero walang panukli.

Wala nang babalikan,
Wala na ring aasahan.

Walang pagtataguan,
Wala ring pagsidlan.

Galit, saya, luha o ligaya
Saan babaling ang pusong walang kasama?

Mabilis ang mga pangyayari,
Mistula itong liwanag

Sa loob ng isang iglap
Hindi manlang nakakurap.

Ang akala kong tatagal
‘Yun pala’y saglit lang,

‘Yung akala ko’y akin na,
Akin lang palang hiniram.

Kung may pagmamahal na buo
Ngunit walang panukli

Kailan magiging patas ang mali?

Ako nalang ang mag-aabono,
Makakaalis ka na.

Ako na ang magbibigay,
Pero hindi na uulit pa.

Personals

Ayokong Gumalaw

Ayokong umiyak, hirap akong huminga.

Ayokong lunukin ang sinabi kong, “ayokong mahalin ka.”

Ayokong mag-abang, ginawa ko naman.

Ayokong mabuhay nang nakatingin sa kawalan.

Ayokong magsalita, ayoko mang ipagsabi,

Pero ang bugso ng damdamin, tila ba matindi.

Ayokong mangarap, ayokong kumurap,

Ayokong sumilip, ayokong tumingin.

Ayokong papigil, ayokong bumitiw.

Ayokong umiwas, ayokong tumakas.

Hindi ko na mababawi ang lahat nang nagdaan.

Dahil may mga galaw na dapat lang ipagpaliban.

Daily Stories, Personals

Jinxed, jinxed again!

I once wrote, “I’m getting there, but I’m not pretty sure how I did.”

Now I’m here, I am held back.

A constant struggle between letting you go or making you stay haunts me.

If I don’t distance myself away from you, it will be as if I’m killing myself every single day.

If I let you go, I guess, it will be a true manifestation of love, one that is not self-centered.

Frustrating, I know.

All my life, I have loved really, really hard, looking for some place where my restless heart can rest.

“But you’re so young,” they said. Young to be hurt this much? Young to love this much?

Loving is timeless, and the youth they’ve been referring to has been rid off of me.

Why choose to love now? Why choose the ‘meantime’ kind of love when you can wait for the best?

I believe that there’s no such thing as a ready-made best.

I believe that everything is a work in progress.

And love, for the matter, is, too.

I’ve seen you deprived of the love you have always longed for, the love you really deserved.

Now that you’ve found it, I think I should just be happy, and let things flow as normal as they used to.

The longing remains, yes, but I have better things to do than hurt myself in a constant, agonizing cycle of running back and turning away from you.

It’s been a year since I told myself that I’ve somewhat ‘recovered’ from falling in love so hard with someone who didn’t take me seriously.

I didn’t expect that after recovery, I’d be tangled in a same situation (but with a better man) all over again.

I’ve been attached to you, your friends, your quirks, your pains.

I cannot afford to lose anyone at the expense of anything.

But a thing such as ‘fairness’ exists, and that entails me to accept that I’d have to lose something at the expense of something.

But ironically, it’s not fair at all.

In the process, I lost you (perhaps to another woman, one who’s better, as always, as I am an ever-insufficient kind).

I could lose your friends, persons I held so dear, persons whose company I will constantly long for.

When I knew of this, I didn’t really know what to say or feel. I didn’t cry happy or sad tears even though I push myself to do so.

God knows that he has given everything I asked for, and I thank Him for letting me win at life at some sort.

But, due to fairness, I cannot win everything. And as I’ve said, I lost a prize, the coveted prize that is to be with you.

To be able to say all these things is strenuous, as I find it really hard to put my feelings into words.

It is also evident that it lacks cohesion, as I cannot really pull myself together at the moment.

These words are not enough, when will they ever be?

At least I tried. Feeling this, writing this, and loving you. It was a great experience.

Do know that once I’ve adjusted, I will slowly drift away from you, so as not to let my feelings get in the way with our already ‘jinxed’ friendship.

I don’t want to shut you out and push you away, just as I did to countless other people for some reasons only I can understand.

There is a fine line between everything, and I’ll try balancing my act from there.

Do know that even with this, I’ll still be around just in case you’ll need me. I’m still your friend, just sans the feelings.

I still hold on to the promise of the future, a future where we are free of all these chains, of all these excess things we didn’t sign up for.

Our paths will cross again, not now, but probably. Maybe by that time we can work things out, and I promise you I will be sufficient this time.

For know though, I would have to say goodbye. Goodbye to all those emotions that messed all things up.

I’ll be leaving you with this.

What we could’ve had wasn’t supposed to be jinxed like this.

Literary

The girl from this place called ‘somewhere’

I realized maybe I was drawn to you not by fate, but by reason.

With my heart as my mind, all blood turned emotion.

The girl from this place called ‘somewhere’ was drawn to you from the blue side of the fence.

High walls are my line of defense as all these emotions come but never commence.


I once thought I’d aspire alone, now you’re part of my world, all  doubts have gone.

But you have high hopes, they’re not for me.

Maybe you’ve fled to somewhere filled with glee,

That somewhere, I was once part of, now far away from me.


Maybe it’s pressure-driven,

Maybe I was born to earn what’s not given,

Maybe my heart is fooling me once and for all,

Maybe it’s my mind that’s starting to fall


I built all these walls as my line of defense

I swore to never feel things, but my heart changed its cadence.